The Wonky Toe

Rachel was born with what we called a "Wonky Toe". The doctor thinks that the second toe on her left foot had some amniotic banding, and caused it not to develop the last bone in the joint.

You can see how the nail and that toe isn't quite formed right.

We were always afraid that she would be self-conscious about it - and that she wouldn't want to wear sandals, for example, as she grew older. Sadly, we don't have to worry about that now.

That toe was one of the things that made her "Rachel". I'm a bit disappointed that she won't have it the next time we see her - as she will be perfect in form and stature.

I love her and miss her so much!

Zoo Day

Rebecca really liked to go to the zoo. I really like the wonder and amazement in her eyes in this picture as she looks at the animals.

I love her - and I am especially missing her this spring time. I would love to have the opportunity to take her to the zoo again. I miss my girls.

Easter Party

Tomorrow, we are going to my mom's house for our annual family Easter Egg Hunt party. She does this every year, and invites my cousins (who are about the same ages as Preston - just a couple of years older than Cassidy) and all of my siblings and their children.

It's a wonderful party and tradition, and we really enjoy it.

This picture was taken at the party last year. Rachel was so cute to sit with my uncle Randy and his wife Milissa - I love her smiles. We had many wonderful pictures of her that day, and I'm glad that we do.

We are a bit wary of tomorrow. We don't quite know how it will be to go to the party with two of our children so obviously missing. However, it will be a fun time, and a time that we can spend with our loved ones...and to remember the girls that have so deeply touched and improved our lives.

¿Quieres una naranja, mamá?

This past Christmas, Cassidy asked Santa for an American Girl doll. Santa decided to get one for Rebecca too. Becca picked the Josefina doll - it was always her favorite one in the catalog.

We have recently noticed that Becca kind of had an affinity with hispanic culture. She loved to watch Dora the Explorer (her favorite show), learn spanish ("¿Quieres una naranja, mamá?" - literally "Mom, do you want an orange?", but what she meant was "Mom, can I have an orange?"), eat "real" mexican foods (recipes that I brought home - sopa, tinga, and calabazas were among her favorites), and she picked the hispanic American Girl doll.

I have no doubt that she is interacting people of hispanic descent right now in the next life. I can just imagine her listening with great interest to her Great-Grandpa Sharp recount the stories of his missions to Mexico and South America.

I am also really glad that Santa brought her the doll. It wasn't his original plan - and Mrs. Santa wasn't too terribly happy about it at first...it took quite a bit of convincing. However, seeing her face on Christmas morning, and watching her play with the doll for the short month afterward, before her death, I am VERY glad that she was able to have happy memories, and that I could see the magic of Christmas through a child's eyes.

I love her so much! I can't wait to hear about all her stories, and what she is doing while we are separated!

Good Hair Day

When Rachel was born, she had SOOOOO MUCH HAIR! The nurses in the hospital really got a kick out of her.

Apparently, Brenda had hair about like this as well. Proof that Rachel looked a lot like Brenda - and, since we all know that Becca looked like Rachel, it follows that Becca looked like Brenda too.

I like this picture - you can really see how much hair she had. This picture was taken just hours after she was born. She was such a beautiful baby. She was so fun to hold, and of all our children, she was one of the more snuggly babies. Not terribly snuggly...but by far better than Cassie was.

I miss holding her, especially at church. Rachel never did like church much - so I would take her out into the hall and hold her on my shoulder until she fell asleep. I have always had a kind of skill for holding our kids and having them fall asleep. I miss those times - but I have comfort in knowing that one day, once again, I will be able to hold my little "Cho".

Sisters!

Cassidy is such a wonderful big sister. I am so grateful that we had her first - she is always willing to help out with the other kids.

She especially was good at taking care of Rebecca. They would always play together, and Cassie was conscientious and would invite Becca to play with her - even if she had her own friends over.

Cassie has some really good qualities that will make her a good mother. She is caring, compassionate, empathetic, and patient. She gets those qualities from her mom (except the patience... ;) )

I'm so grateful for wonderful children! I love them so much!

Big Brother

Yesterday, it was the girls, today, it's Braden's turn.

I really like this picture. When Becca was born, Braden pushed her down the hall and into the room. He was such a good older brother.

He was an amazing older brother in many ways. I know that he loves those girls - and that he was willing to take care of and protect them. They were very lucky to have older siblings like Braden and Cassidy.

Braden is such a wonderful son. I couldn't ask for better children! I love them all!

My Girls

Here are all my girls!

You can see where they all get their beautiful looks (from Brenda). Though I had someone once tell me "Your girls must have gotten your looks...because your wife still has hers!" :)

I love all these girls! Every one of our children have truly been "mama's girls" - and they generally would want to spend time with her. The only exception was when I would try to take (sometimes forcefully) the youngest during family vacations so that Brenda could have a "true" vacation.

I also would take them during church. I have always tried to take care of the children during church - taking them out of the meeting when they need it, and taking them to priesthood when I could. These past few months are the first time since I was a primary teacher (almost 6 years ago) that I haven't had a baby with me during the 3 hours of church. It's kind of hard to get used to. This past Sunday, I was pretty sad because my shoulder was lonely.

Rachel would have been going into nursery in about a month. It was a time we were really looking forward to - but now, it's a bittersweet time. I am glad, however, that the primary in our ward has reprinted the class lists so as not to have Rachel and Rebecca's names on the doors. I was afraid of looking, for fear that it would make me upset. I looked a couple of weeks ago, and noticed that they had been removed. I find that small things like that really make a big difference in my life, and I am thankful for the thoughtfulness and compassion of others.

I miss having Rachel. I miss having Rebecca. I would give anything to have them back! However, I know that all things we endure are for a purpose - I just pray that one day I may be made aware of that purpose...so I can rejoice in the grand scheme of things.

Funeral Recording

A recording of the Funeral for Rebecca and Rachel Toone, from February 13, 2010, can be found below.

You can also download it directly here if you would rather (right-click the link and choose "Save As...").

Kak! Kak!

Rachel LOVED ducks!

It was the first animal that she learned the sound it made. "Kak Kak". She would always pull the rubber ducks from the bath toys, look for ducks in books, and play with her Grandma Belliston's rubber duck nativity set.

Ducks have come to symbolize Rachel for me now. We have received a few gifts from caring friends and neighbors that are ducks. I now LOVE ducks!

Oddly enough, most ducks (rubber ducks, at least) are yellow - which has come to symbolize Becca for me. So - it might be grounds for me to be kicked out of the "manly man club" - but I love yellow ducks!

I love my girls - I miss them so much. I love my family and my other children too. At some point in the near future, I may start posting pictures and memories of Cassidy and Braden as well.

Rachel's Personality

In keeping with the theme of the past few photos, here is another picture from last summer's family reunion to Island Park.

Rachel always had such a wonderful personality. She was able to draw people in immediately. Here she is playing with Brenda's Uncle Jim at the cabin we stayed at.

This picture is hanging in Rachel's room - and has been since the sumer when it was taken. I really like it, it shows the connection that she was able to make with people, and the influence that she had (and continues to have) on people's lives.

Tubing with Kellie

This is a picture of Becca tubing with Brenda's cousin Kellie. This also was while we were at Island Park last summer.

Rebecca really liked to swim. She always had fun in the water, and always wanted to do things with the "big" kids. I miss letting her do things with Cassidy and Braden.

Reading with Grandma Shirley

This is Becca reading a story with her Great-Grandmother "Grandma Shirley" and Braden. This was taken last summer at our family reunion in Island Park.

Becca *ALWAYS* had a real interest in reading. She loved to read books, and taught herself to read - even though she was a long way from Kindergarten. Before she died, she and Brenda started reading "Frog and Toad All Year" - which is listed as a 2.4 grade level equivalent. She wouldn't read all the pages...the two of them would trade off pages.

She never got to finish that book. We put it in the coffin with her - and Brenda and Becca are going to finish it later together.

Becca missed the cut-off for school by just a couple of weeks - so she was still a year and a half away from going to Kindergarten. She was SO excited to go.

Rachel also loved reading - and one of the favorite things that I would do with her (and Becca) was to sit on the couch after dinner and have them bring me books to read to them. Neither one of them really had a "favorite" book - they would keep bringing different ones.

I miss having a little girl sit on my lap for me to read them a story. I'm glad for friends and family members that will lend me their daughters occasionally to read to them. (Thanks Jenny!)

I'm a bit sad today to think about what could have been accomplished by such a bright and intelligent little girl. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair that someone so smart would have to leave so early. However, I know that knowledge is one of the few things that we get to take with us into the next life - along with our family - and that we will never stop increasing in knowledge. I'm proud of my girls - I love them so much - and I can't WAIT to be with them again and help to teach them.

Hopefully, I'll be able to teach them at least *half* as much as they have taught me this past month.

Nice Photo

I kind of like this photo. Apparently, it was one of the local paper's photo of the week

It was really interesting to see the different media outlets run different photos. Some of them (like the Tribune) really seemed to be trying hard to find pictures where we looked sad. I like this one in the Deseret News because I think we look pensive, grieving even, without looking overly distraught and upset.

I really miss our girls! We love them so much! I can't wait to be able to see their smiling faces again!

Kings and Queens

This is the last picture we took of all our kids - just a week or so before the girls died.

Cassidy, Braden, and Rebecca all decided that they wanted to play "King and Queen" so they all dressed up. They even dressed up Rachel. She thought she was so cute! We thought so too - and couldn't help but take pictures of them.

The bead necklaces that the girls are all wearing were Rachel's favorite. They were just cheap necklaces that we got from a work party last Christmas. She would put them on and wear them all around the house. "CUUUUUUTE" was all she would say. That was her way of letting us know that she was being silly, I think. Last night, we found one of them hidden away in a closet - so Brenda wore it in her memory.

Here they are sitting on their throne. I miss my family. It is hard to have half of them gone from me for the remainder of this life. I know, however, that we will be able to be reunited again and continue to raise those sweet little girls. I can't wait to hold, snuggle, hug, and kiss their sweet faces again!

I also love Braden and Cassidy, and I am so very grateful that I get to spend the remainder of my life here with them. They were, and still are, excellent older siblings. I know that they were sent to us first for the purpose of them helping us all through this experience.

"Beach Day" - Random Outing 2

Another out-of-the-blue "random" trip we made was to the Great Salt Lake. We went to Antelope Island last June, and took the kids to see the buffalo, tour the farm, visitors center, and walk in the lake.

We took a picnic lunch - and the kids kept throwing their food at the seagulls.

Becca's favorite part was walking in the lake - we had to walk across the sandbar for quite a ways - and she kept calling it "Beach Day".

"Dad - remember when we had Beach Day? That was a lot of fun. We need to do Beach Day again!" she would say.

I loved this picture of Rachel (even though she has a dirty face). She looks so pensive, and calm. She was a wonderful baby and daughter. I love her so much!

I would *LOVE* for the opportunity to do Beach Day with Becca and Rachel again. It never got warm enough - so we never were able to. We'll probably try to go with Cassidy and Braden again this year some time...hopefully the memories we've made there will serve to make us happy when we return, rather than sad.

Golden Spike - Random Outing 1

One saturday a few years back, we woke up and decided out of the blue to go to the Golden Spike monument. It was a lot of fun - especially for just a random "mini-vacation".

I really like this picture of Rebecca and I walking on the railroad tracks by the golden spike.

I'm glad that we did things like this with the girls before they died. It gives us fond memories to look back on. I really miss those days.

Halloween Witch

This last Halloween, Rachel was a witch. This costume actually was my sister Lindsay's costume when she was 1 year old. Cassidy and Becca also got their turns to be witches in this costume as well. So - even though Lindsay didn't have any sisters, the costume was well-used.

The funny thing about this was the hat. Rachel was the only one of our kids who would keep it on. When we first put it on, she said "CUUUUUTE!" and it stayed there the rest of the day.

She really liked to be cute and she really was a cute girl! Although she didn't particularly like to have her hair done, she liked it when it *was* done, and would say "CUUUUUTE!"

I miss hearing her say that. But I will always remember her little voice, and her cute face and smile! I love you Rachel!

Missing Out

One way that is interesting to me is the way that Cassidy and Braden are mourning. They keep feeling sad about things that the girls will miss out on. For example, they keep asking if Becca and Rachel ever got a chance to go to Disneyland, or to the zoo, or to do other things.

Yes - Becca got to go to Disneyland. And technically Rachel did too - Brenda was pregnant at this time.

I really love this picture. Becca looks so in awe at being able to talk with Snow White. I am so glad that she got to meet her. Becca had some dress-up dresses that she loved to do with friends...and although she said that her favorite princess was always Cinderella, she always seemed to pick the Snow White dress-up to use when she got to choose. I think it was probably the yellow dress that she liked.

Today, I was feeling a bit sad because of things that I didn't get to do with the girls. One thing in particular that I remember doing as a kid that I loved doing was having a nap with my dad in his bed on weekends. I have been able to do that with all my kids - except for Rachel...she was not old enough to enjoy something like that.

I think I might go take a nap in her room this weekend. :)

Thumbsucking (or... "How to tell Becca and Rachel Apart")

I like this picture for a lot of reasons. First, Brenda is smoking hot...so much so, you can see the steam :) Second, it shows how much Rebecca and Rachel looked like each other (this is Rebecca in this picture). I also like this picture because it reminds me of how I would always take the baby (whoever was the baby at the time) on vacations...I would be the one to hold, carry, and take care of them.

But the reason I chose this picture today is because it shows Becca sucking her thumb. She was our only thumb-sucker, and she did it all the time. In pictures where they look alike, you can tell it's Becca if she is sucking her thumb. When she turned 4, she started trying really hard to overcome that habit - and little by little, she did. Just a couple of months ago, Brenda and I were talking and we decided that Becca had finally stopped completely. We were SOOOOOO proud of her for overcoming something so difficult for her.

I hope that we can make her proud by overcoming something that is so difficult for us. Becca, I love you!

Christmas Eve, 2009

Every year, we do a "Bethlehem Supper" on Christmas Eve. We spread out a blanket in the family room, and eat "food that the shepherds would have eaten". Generally, we eat beef jerky, gouda cheese, pita bread, and dried fruit - and we drink grape juice (white...not purple...we're in the family room, remember). OK, so it's probably not *exactly* like the shepherds - but it gets us thinking about the night of the birth of Jesus Christ.

We also watch a video of the nativity - and afterwards, we talk about the birth of the Savior.

I just ran across this picture yesterday - I hadn't seen it before (that I remember). I love how it has all my kids, and they are all happy. I love all my kids. That's one thing that I need to try and express during this sorrowful time - that I love the two girls that have passed on...but I love Braden and Cassidy just as much!

We had always planned on reading from Luke chapter 2 once our kids got older (the video was an attempt to get their attention while they were young). However, I think that I want to keep watching the video for Becca and Rachel.

My Little Pumpkin

(Sorry - the picture got corrupted when I uploaded it...)

Each year, we go to the pumpkin patch with our kids, their cousins, and their grandparents to pick out their pumpkins. This happens very closely to Rachel's birthday - we went 3 or 4 days after she was born (Brenda was a real trooper that year).

I really like this picture - she looks so cute sitting in the cart with all the pumpkins. I miss her so much!

We Can All Be Brave Like Becca

Observation Point in Zion's Canyon. We love to go hiking with our family. This particular hike is probably the hardest hike we have ever been on. It is 8 miles round-trip, and has a 2100-foot elevation change. I carried Rachel in a backpack - and Becca hiked by herself.

I have always like hiking with our children, because I had the opportunity to carry the youngest in the backpack. It always made me feel so important, and it gave me a bonding time with the littlest one. I loved carying Rachel probably more than the others, because she would fall asleep on my back (the others wouldn't). She would also babble and talk almost the entire time. I loved feeling like I could take care of my little girl.

Becca was SOOOOO brave! She kept saying that she was tired, and she was on the verge of tears a couple of times, but we just kept telling her how brave she was. After that hike, I was so very proud of her. It was a hard hike for us as adults, I could only imagine how difficult it was for her tiny legs. We told her she could get a prize at the visitor's center for being so brave - I was prepared to get her anything she wanted - but after a lot of deliberation on her part, she chose a post card with a deer on it...because "I saw a lot of deer on this trip."

She was the first one done on this hike, and so proud of herself. She was also the first one done on her journey in this life.

Now it's their turn to help us on this hike we are on. Rachel is there taking care of us. Becca is cheering us on. It's hard, we're tired, and we've been beyond the verge of tears MANY times. However, we know that they are there, telling us that we can make it, we are so brave. Hopefully, we will be able to make them as proud of us as we are of them.

Rachel's Blanket

Rachel got this blanket for her 1st birthday. It immediately became her favorite. Along with this blanket, her "Bo Bo" (baby) she got became an instant hit as well. She was so excited about her gifts that she would sit there and shake as we tried to get them out of the packages.

Probably the funniest part of the day was while she was eating her cake. She is the only one of our children who did not cry when we sat them in front of their cake and let them dig in. She probably ate the equivalent of 2 pieces before we had to pull her away...then she ate another piece in her high chair.

It was a good day. She was such a happy girl! I'm glad that she was mine (though it was just a short while).

School

Becca was always excited for school. She always used to say that she couldn't wait until she was 5 so she could go to Kindergarten. Little did she know that she wouldn't go to Kindergarten until she was almost 6.

This picture was taken on the first day of school for Cassidy and Braden - she wanted her picture taken as well wearing her "school clothes".

Although she never got to go to Kindergarten, she loved her joy school, and her joy school friends. She knew exactly which days were "school days" for her, she would put her stuff by the door (just like the big kids), and sit on the couch waiting for her ride to come and take her.

She loved to learn! I see so much of myself in her. I miss her and love her so much!

Tribute Photo

This is the photo mentioned in the Tribute to Rebecca and Rachel Toone on February 13, 2010, by their grandfather Doug Belliston.

"Becca loved her little sister Rachel so much! Perhaps this began with Rachel's birth. A favorite picture of mine was included with the DVD that some may have seen. It is a sweet picture of then two-year old Rebecca sitting on the small couch in the hospital room with her arms outstretched and eyes focused upward, to receive and hold her baby sister Rachel just moments after her birth. This picture has been in my thoughts since Rachel's death. While we do not know, we draw comfort from the thought that Rebecca again held out her arms to receive her little sister last Tuesday."

Daddy's Little Girls

Daddy's little girls. This was taken the day Rachel was born. I was sick (hence the face mask). They were SOOOO beautiful and wonderful! I love them SO SO SO SO SO much!

1 Month...

Today is 1 month since Rachel passed away. We have been through quite a lot, and due to media attention, we made our blog private for a while, and haven't been posting since we've been back.

For those who may not know, on February 6, 2010, Rebecca passed away at Davis Hospital. Three days later, on February 9, 2010, Rachel also passed away at Primary Children's Medical Center. The next few days were a blur for us - there were many good things that happened, and the longest week of our lives culminated in me needing to do a press conference leading up to the day of the funeral.

Throughout all of these experiences, we have been absolutely amazed at the help and outpouring of love and support from friends, family, and total strangers. We are grateful to everyone for your love and prayers, and we have definitely been feeling it as we have begun this healing process.

I, personally, have found it therapeutic to post some pictures and memories of our two girls on Facebook. However, not all our family and friends have access to those photos, so I thought I would cross-post them on our family blog. Since we are still a bit concerned about media attention, we do not have comments enabled on our blog at this time, but if you would like to leave a comment for us, feel free to do it on the Facebook photo album. I'm sorry to those of you who have already seen these pictures - but I will keep posting new ones each day for the next little while.

Again, thank you all for your support, love, and prayers! We love you all! And we LOVE our girls!

Rebecca's Obituary
Rachel's Obituary