This rings true to me

PARENTS WHO LOST A DAUGHTER ARE NOW IN A DIFFERENT PLACE

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful 20-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. I am writing this not only for myself, but for all parents who have lost a child, and to all of the wonderful people who asked, "What can I do for you?" At the time there wasn't much anyone could do to help, but after two years I have an answer: Accept me for who I am now.

When Rachel came into my life, it changed me profoundly. Losing her did the same. Her father and I work hard to honor her memory, but we will never "get over it" to the degree of being who we were before. I am different now. In some ways -- I think -- better. I am kinder, more patient, more appreciative of small things, but I am not as outgoing nor as quick to laugh.

I know people mean well when they encourage me to get on with my life, but this is my life. My priorities have changed. My expectations of what my future will hold have changed. Please extend to me again the offer of "anything I can do" and, please, accept me as I am now. -- DIFFERENT NOW IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.

DEAR DIFFERENT NOW: Please accept my profound sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. I hope that your letter will help anyone who doesn't understand that the death of a child is the most devastating loss parents can suffer and that the experience is life-changing. They may get beyond it, but they never get "over" it. To expect that they would is unrealistic, because it's a wound that may become less visible but never goes away.

"Things Happen for a Reason"

You know, sometimes I think people just say that for something to say because they are at a loss for words. I don't know if I believe that. Sometimes bad things just happen, and that is where faith comes in to help us heal. It may be that sometime after death we will find out a "Reason," but I prefer not to waste time trying to search for one.

It's a terrible feeling to know that the Lord has allowed something terrible happen to us for our good, even though it doesn't feel like good at all. But that's why I put my trust in Him, that what I will learn from passing through sorrow will make me a better person like He wants me to be.

Bah humbug to reasons. And thank goodness for angels. MY angels.

Rock out for Rachel

This Wednesday, October 20th, is our daughter Rachel's 2nd birthday. She loved music, and we hope you will join us and "Rock Out for Rachel" in her memory. We invite you to wear her favorite color, pink, and take a few minutes to listen to a rock song or two in her honor.

We'd love to know who celebrated her life with us, so please feel free to leave a comment on her birthday and let us know what you rocked out to!

Thinking of the Girls

I've been thinking a lot about Rebecca and Rachel lately (even though I haven't blogged or posted pictures for a while). This song has always spoken to me. Especially lately, the lyrics really take on a different meaning. This was one of Rebecca's favorite songs. I particularly like this version - and though the girls never got to hear it, I think that they would like it as well (Becca really liked listening to different versions of the same songs). Every time I hear it, I tear up - but at the same time I feel happy for the chance that I had to have those girls as a part of my life - and the chance that I still have to see and live with them again.

21 Guns, by Green Day (American Idiot Soundtrack version)

Do you know what's worth fighting for
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break you heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you've lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks
the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins
You're in ruins
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand to close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try.
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
On, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Reading for Becca

Thanks again to Jennifer for coming up with the idea of having a read-a-thon in Becca's memory. It was amazing to see how many people read with their kids (or even read by themselves) today. We were wondering how many people actually read for Becca today, so if you did, please leave a comment below - maybe even say where you are from (if we don't know you). We'd be interested in knowing!

We love you all, and appreciate the support and love that we have been shown, and continue to be shown, by friends, family, and even total strangers.

6 Months

This picture was drawn by a person who just called us up out of the blue and asked if he could do a charcoal drawing of the girls. It's been a long time since I have posted a picture, and I thought that it would be appropriate to post this one - and to talk a bit about how we have been feeling lately.

It's been 6 months now since everything has changed for us. We have had a few tear-free days. In fact, we are on our way to having more tear-free days than tearful days. We still miss our girls so very deeply though!

The time seems to be going by so quickly - it doesn't seem like it's been 6 whole months since Rebecca and Rachel died. However, the days seem to be going by so slowly. Each day just crawls along.

I also feel like I have been measuring out my life based off of February 2010. Everything I think of, everything I remember, everything I do, I frame it relative to whether or not it happened "before the girls died" or "after the girls died." I'm getting so tired of measuring my life this way - but I think that is the way it's going to be.

The hardest time for me was, oddly enough, the 5-month anniversary of when they passed away. It especially hit me hard, because that was the point at which Rachel had been gone for 1/3 the time that she had been with us.

There have been fewer "upset" times. Probably just a few of them per month - usually around anniversaries. Most of the time, we just miss them so very much! There is an overarching feeling of melancholy in our lives.

There have been wonderful times of happiness though - and that helps to temper the sorrow and sadness. It was wonderful to see close friends go through the temple. It has been wonderful to see the love and support that friends, family, and even strangers are still offering to us - even after all this time.

It has been kind of nice to not have to wake up early, change diapers, or get breakfast for the little kids...though most days, we really miss doing those day-to-day tasks as well.

More than anything, what we have learned from this experience is that we need to make sure and do everything that we can to build memories with our family members. We have no regrets. We are grateful for the fact that we did so many things to build memories with our children while they were here with us.

Lastly, I don't know how we ever could have gotten through this without the knowledge that we'd see our sweet daughters again. I wonder how people without a religious background could ever go through something like this. The despair would be too strong. However, I know, absolutely, that we will be able to see and be with our daughters again. I am SO grateful for that knowledge. Daily, I thank God for the blessings that He has given me - especially for that ability...to one day live with my family again forever.

The Sun Wheel

Becca and I at Disneyland (actually, California Adventure) on the Sun Wheel.

I love this picture. I loved to hold my little girls, and have them snuggle in to me like this.

I wasn't able to go on the Sun Wheel this last time that we went to Disneyland. This picture popped into my mind, and I couldn't bring myself to going on it. Maybe next time.

Sisters!

This picture was taken at a primary activity last year. I love the looks on the faces of my two girls.

Cassidy is such a wonderful older sister. She was so excited to share a bedroom with Rebecca when Brenda was pregnant with Rachel. She always took care of her younger sisters - and continues to take care of her brother as well.

Some nights, we would hear singing coming from the girls' room. When Becca couldn't sleep, Cassidy would sing songs to her. Becca learned a lot of songs from Cassidy. One day, Becca just started singing the rainbow song ("Why are there so many songs about rainbows"). We later found out that was one of the songs that Cassie would sing to help Becca sleep.

They were such wonderful and good sisters! I love all my girls (and my boy too... :) ) !

All the Cousins

This was last year, on the 4th of July (Cassie's birthday) - before going to the rodeo. Every year, our entire family goes up to the rodeo in Oakley, UT on the 4th of July. The only year we missed it was the year that Cassidy was born. Here are all of the cousins at lunch at the park above Grandma Toone's house.

Such beautiful children! I miss my girls...but I still love spending time with the rest of the family. It helps me to remember them.

I miss you Becca and Rachel! I love you so much!

Best Friends

From "Best Cousins" to "Best Friends".

These are Becca's two best friends, "A" and "B" (their names *really* start with "A" and "B"...) She would always want to play with one or the other of them. This is them on a joyschool trip to the pumpkin patch.

I hope to be able to watch these two girls grow - and remember my Becca and see what she would have been able to accomplish had she remained with us.

Yesterday, I had a flashback of a time I had with Rebecca. Back in November, she had a sleep-over at her grandma's house - and was dropped off at my office for me to take her home from here. That day, I was asked to find a city map for a guy who was moving from Philadelphia to Utah...so Becca and I drove around to different places trying to find a map for "my friend Sam" - which is what Becca called him.

She talked about "my friend Sam" for weeks afterwards - which makes me happy that we were able to make those memories together. Every time we drove on Highway 89 (where we did a lot of our looking), she would ask if we were going to find a map for Sam.

I am SOOO grateful that I have memories such as these to help me carry on until the time that I am able to see and hold my girls again.

I think Mr. Ricky's Done Enough

Best Cousins

This is a picture that Kara took one day when Becca was over playing with Amanda and Lily. We cropped this picture for our new individual picture of Becca. She is SOOOO beautiful! I can only imagine how beautiful she would have been as she grew up.

The day after Rebecca died, Logan mentioned it to Amanda and Lily. Amanda started to cry and said that "Rebecca was my BEST cousin!" She really was. It was so fun to watch the girls all play together - they were all close to the same ages. It was so nice to have best friends that were also cousins.

I miss the girls so much! It's especially hard today...of all the gifts that I wanted to get Brenda today, the one that I couldn't get here was the one that I know she wants the most - the girls. I know that some day we will be able to have them and raise them again. And I know that Brenda will be an excellent mother to them when we get them back...same as she has been (and continues to be) to all our children.

I love you Brenda! I love you Becca and Rachel!

The Year of the Purses

Last Christmas was the "Year of the Purses". My parents gave each of the little grand-daughters a purse. This was Rachel's.

In addition, Santa brought Rebecca a dress-up purse to play with as well.

Both of the girls loved their purses. Rachel especially carried this one around all over the house.

I love the expression of wonder on her face. She was so sweet and innocent. She was so beautiful and kind. She was so loving and happy. I miss her so much!

Are we dancer?

This is the perspective that I would always have when looking back at Rebecca while riding in the car. Once she got a bit older, she got a new "Fairy Seat" that she could ride in, and Rachel took her place. Seeing this picture reminds me of the trips that we went on and singing with the girls in the car. They both LOVED to listen to music...and I would look back at them as they would sing (and, in Rachel's case dance) along.

Becca's favorite song was "Human" by The Killers. I think she kind of liked it originally because it was a complete mystery to her - and admittedly, it doesn't really make sense. The lyric "Are we human, or are we dancer?" just didn't make sense to her little brain. I think that was part of the the draw for her.

However, when I hear that song now, I think of "dancer" as a metaphor for the spirit, or eternal soul. Hearing the lyrics in that light makes the song take on a whole new meaning:

=======================

I did my best to notice

When the call came down the line

Up to the platform of surrender

I was brought but I was kind

And sometimes I get nervous

When I see an open door


Close your eyes, clear your heart

Cut the cord

Are we human, or are we dancer?

My sign is vital, my hands are cold

And I'm on my knees looking for the answer

Are we human, or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue

Send my condolences to good

Give my regards to soul and romance

They always did the best they could

And so long to devotion, you taught me everything I know

Wave good bye, wish me well

You gotta let me go

Are we human, or are we dancer?

My sign is vital, my hands are cold

And I'm on my knees looking for the answer

Are we human, or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright

When you dream of home tonight

There is no message we're receiving

Let me know is your heart still beating

Are we human, or are we dancer?

My sign is vital, my hands are cold

And I'm on my knees looking for the answer

You've gotta let me know

Are we human, or are we dancer?

My sign is vital, my hands are cold

And I'm on my knees looking for the answer

Are we human, or are we dancer?

Are we human, or are we dancer?

Are we human, or are we dancer?

=======================

I think that Becca now understands the meaning now...she's my little dancer!

My Two Girls

Becca and Rachel were two sweet, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent little girls - and although I am missing them a lot right now, I am SO thankful that they were mine for such a short time here on earth, that they continue to be mine in my heart, and that they will always be mine in the eternities.

Rachel in the Backpack

As I have mentioned before, whenever we would go on a hiking trip, I would take the youngest in the backpack. Because of how far apart our children are spaced, we never had more than just the one in the backpack. It was always fun for me to carry the kids around...it gave me a *little* bit of an idea of how Brenda must have felt being pregnant (yes, ladies - I know, it's NO comparison...don't yell at me... ;) )

Since most of our recent trips were to National Parks, I had a lot of opportunities to carry Rachel around. Of all the children, she was probably the best in the backpack. She would just sit there and jabber to me while we would hike. I especially loved when she would fall asleep, leaning against my back.

She also loved just getting into the backpack, and sitting there. I love her face in this picture.

This summer, we are planning a few more hiking trips. It's going to be a bit hard for me to go "bare back" - but I manage. Perhaps I'll actually be able to keep up with Cassidy and Braden now! :)

Omega Threes

So, a couple of weeks ago we were in the car and Braden announces, "I wish I liked fish."

I asked, "Why do you wish you liked fish?"

His response was, "Because fish have lots of omega-3 fatty acids and those are good for your brain. If I liked fish I could be smarter."

Well, when you're 7 years old and you know that omega-3 fatty acids exist and have benefits - then I think you don't need them to be any smarter!

Maybe he learned it from Nova.

Welcome Home Surprise

When we got home from our trip yesterday, we went to see the park. The boy scouts in our ward, at the suggestion of the Layton City mayor, planted a little memorial area for the girls at the park around the corner from our house. Yellow pansies, rose bushes, and pink flowering trees around a bench...just a few yards from the childrens playground. VERY beautiful, and VERY thoughtful on the part of all those involved. THANK YOU!

The Radio Game

Becca loved music - so did Rachel. Here are Becca, Cassidy, and Braden listening to their aunt Katie playing the guitar.

I miss singing with Becca. She was my kindred spirit. She could identify singers of songs - even if she hadn't heard the song before. I loved playing "The Radio Game" with her - by just shuffling my iPod, and having her guess the song (both title and artist). Generally, she could do it within 4 or 5 seconds of the song beginning. Her favorite songs were by Pink, Aerosmith, and Green Day. Her all-time favorite song was "Human" by the Killers. We would sing along to them together, when we were in the car, or even just in the basement after a day of work.

I also loved dancing with Rachel. Every night, I would lay on the couch after dinner, and before bed, and Rachel would come over and want to dance with me - so we would turn on some music, and dance.

I miss dancing. I miss singing. I miss the Radio Game. I can listen to their favorite songs, but I haven't yet been able to just sit down and listen to music for any extended period of time. Hopefully, I'll be able to get to that point again.

Messy Face Part II

The last picture was of Rachel making a mess eating - so I thought I'd share this one of Becca. And yes - I don't usually post on Saturday, but I felt like I needed to. :)

This picture was taken on a field trip (for Braden's joy school) to the Tasty's Doughnut shop. They got to make doughnuts with "Baker Mackie" and then afterwards, they ate them. I love Becca's face in this picture.

Becca loved to eat doughnuts - especially for breakfast. Next to "big fancy breakfast," I think it was probably her favorite thing to do. Rachel, however, was completely ambivalent towards them...she was just fine eating her oatmeal.

This morning, I ate a doughnut, and remembered this picture. It brought tears to my eyes. I miss my girls so much! As fast as the time is going by (2 months already), at the same time, it feels SOOOO slow - and to think I have to wait the remainder of a lifetime to see them again is hard at times. However, I thank the Lord for the times that He has allowed us to feel the presence of our sweet little girls - and I hope that I can have many more chances to feel them with me while I wait for that wonderful reunion!

My View

Yes, I know that Brenda posted a link on this last night, bu i thought I'd share my thoughts and view on it too.

http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_14837495

This came faster than we ever thought it would. We are very glad that the deaths of out two girls was not in vain. We are already beginning to see lots of good coming of it. Hopefully, this will help make it so that others will not have to go though what we have had to.

Not in Vain

A small triumph for my Becca and my Rachel.

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148&sid=10305855

Birthday Cake

Rachel had a blast with her birthday cake last year. She probably ate the equivalent of 2 full pieces.

Even with a messy face, she was such a beautiful little girl. I miss her so much!

She would eat oatmeal (of all things) with the same gusto. You would think you were feeding her ice cream as much as she enjoyed it.

I've been missing my girls a lot the past few days. Some days are harder than others - but the feeling is starting to come that I'm not always sad and gloomy. Rather, I'm excited (and at times a bit impatient) to be with them again.

The waiting is what's hard. :(

The Merry

Rebecca's favorite ride, everywhere we went, was the merry-go-round. She used to call it "The Merry" - and it was the first (and lots of times, only) thing that she wanted to ride on.

I love this picture, because she is looking up at the mechanisms in wonderment - trying to figure out how it worked.

She was such a smart little girl. I miss her so much!

The Wonky Toe

Rachel was born with what we called a "Wonky Toe". The doctor thinks that the second toe on her left foot had some amniotic banding, and caused it not to develop the last bone in the joint.

You can see how the nail and that toe isn't quite formed right.

We were always afraid that she would be self-conscious about it - and that she wouldn't want to wear sandals, for example, as she grew older. Sadly, we don't have to worry about that now.

That toe was one of the things that made her "Rachel". I'm a bit disappointed that she won't have it the next time we see her - as she will be perfect in form and stature.

I love her and miss her so much!

Zoo Day

Rebecca really liked to go to the zoo. I really like the wonder and amazement in her eyes in this picture as she looks at the animals.

I love her - and I am especially missing her this spring time. I would love to have the opportunity to take her to the zoo again. I miss my girls.

Easter Party

Tomorrow, we are going to my mom's house for our annual family Easter Egg Hunt party. She does this every year, and invites my cousins (who are about the same ages as Preston - just a couple of years older than Cassidy) and all of my siblings and their children.

It's a wonderful party and tradition, and we really enjoy it.

This picture was taken at the party last year. Rachel was so cute to sit with my uncle Randy and his wife Milissa - I love her smiles. We had many wonderful pictures of her that day, and I'm glad that we do.

We are a bit wary of tomorrow. We don't quite know how it will be to go to the party with two of our children so obviously missing. However, it will be a fun time, and a time that we can spend with our loved ones...and to remember the girls that have so deeply touched and improved our lives.

¿Quieres una naranja, mamá?

This past Christmas, Cassidy asked Santa for an American Girl doll. Santa decided to get one for Rebecca too. Becca picked the Josefina doll - it was always her favorite one in the catalog.

We have recently noticed that Becca kind of had an affinity with hispanic culture. She loved to watch Dora the Explorer (her favorite show), learn spanish ("¿Quieres una naranja, mamá?" - literally "Mom, do you want an orange?", but what she meant was "Mom, can I have an orange?"), eat "real" mexican foods (recipes that I brought home - sopa, tinga, and calabazas were among her favorites), and she picked the hispanic American Girl doll.

I have no doubt that she is interacting people of hispanic descent right now in the next life. I can just imagine her listening with great interest to her Great-Grandpa Sharp recount the stories of his missions to Mexico and South America.

I am also really glad that Santa brought her the doll. It wasn't his original plan - and Mrs. Santa wasn't too terribly happy about it at first...it took quite a bit of convincing. However, seeing her face on Christmas morning, and watching her play with the doll for the short month afterward, before her death, I am VERY glad that she was able to have happy memories, and that I could see the magic of Christmas through a child's eyes.

I love her so much! I can't wait to hear about all her stories, and what she is doing while we are separated!

Good Hair Day

When Rachel was born, she had SOOOOO MUCH HAIR! The nurses in the hospital really got a kick out of her.

Apparently, Brenda had hair about like this as well. Proof that Rachel looked a lot like Brenda - and, since we all know that Becca looked like Rachel, it follows that Becca looked like Brenda too.

I like this picture - you can really see how much hair she had. This picture was taken just hours after she was born. She was such a beautiful baby. She was so fun to hold, and of all our children, she was one of the more snuggly babies. Not terribly snuggly...but by far better than Cassie was.

I miss holding her, especially at church. Rachel never did like church much - so I would take her out into the hall and hold her on my shoulder until she fell asleep. I have always had a kind of skill for holding our kids and having them fall asleep. I miss those times - but I have comfort in knowing that one day, once again, I will be able to hold my little "Cho".

Sisters!

Cassidy is such a wonderful big sister. I am so grateful that we had her first - she is always willing to help out with the other kids.

She especially was good at taking care of Rebecca. They would always play together, and Cassie was conscientious and would invite Becca to play with her - even if she had her own friends over.

Cassie has some really good qualities that will make her a good mother. She is caring, compassionate, empathetic, and patient. She gets those qualities from her mom (except the patience... ;) )

I'm so grateful for wonderful children! I love them so much!

Big Brother

Yesterday, it was the girls, today, it's Braden's turn.

I really like this picture. When Becca was born, Braden pushed her down the hall and into the room. He was such a good older brother.

He was an amazing older brother in many ways. I know that he loves those girls - and that he was willing to take care of and protect them. They were very lucky to have older siblings like Braden and Cassidy.

Braden is such a wonderful son. I couldn't ask for better children! I love them all!

My Girls

Here are all my girls!

You can see where they all get their beautiful looks (from Brenda). Though I had someone once tell me "Your girls must have gotten your looks...because your wife still has hers!" :)

I love all these girls! Every one of our children have truly been "mama's girls" - and they generally would want to spend time with her. The only exception was when I would try to take (sometimes forcefully) the youngest during family vacations so that Brenda could have a "true" vacation.

I also would take them during church. I have always tried to take care of the children during church - taking them out of the meeting when they need it, and taking them to priesthood when I could. These past few months are the first time since I was a primary teacher (almost 6 years ago) that I haven't had a baby with me during the 3 hours of church. It's kind of hard to get used to. This past Sunday, I was pretty sad because my shoulder was lonely.

Rachel would have been going into nursery in about a month. It was a time we were really looking forward to - but now, it's a bittersweet time. I am glad, however, that the primary in our ward has reprinted the class lists so as not to have Rachel and Rebecca's names on the doors. I was afraid of looking, for fear that it would make me upset. I looked a couple of weeks ago, and noticed that they had been removed. I find that small things like that really make a big difference in my life, and I am thankful for the thoughtfulness and compassion of others.

I miss having Rachel. I miss having Rebecca. I would give anything to have them back! However, I know that all things we endure are for a purpose - I just pray that one day I may be made aware of that purpose...so I can rejoice in the grand scheme of things.

Funeral Recording

A recording of the Funeral for Rebecca and Rachel Toone, from February 13, 2010, can be found below.

You can also download it directly here if you would rather (right-click the link and choose "Save As...").

Kak! Kak!

Rachel LOVED ducks!

It was the first animal that she learned the sound it made. "Kak Kak". She would always pull the rubber ducks from the bath toys, look for ducks in books, and play with her Grandma Belliston's rubber duck nativity set.

Ducks have come to symbolize Rachel for me now. We have received a few gifts from caring friends and neighbors that are ducks. I now LOVE ducks!

Oddly enough, most ducks (rubber ducks, at least) are yellow - which has come to symbolize Becca for me. So - it might be grounds for me to be kicked out of the "manly man club" - but I love yellow ducks!

I love my girls - I miss them so much. I love my family and my other children too. At some point in the near future, I may start posting pictures and memories of Cassidy and Braden as well.

Rachel's Personality

In keeping with the theme of the past few photos, here is another picture from last summer's family reunion to Island Park.

Rachel always had such a wonderful personality. She was able to draw people in immediately. Here she is playing with Brenda's Uncle Jim at the cabin we stayed at.

This picture is hanging in Rachel's room - and has been since the sumer when it was taken. I really like it, it shows the connection that she was able to make with people, and the influence that she had (and continues to have) on people's lives.

Tubing with Kellie

This is a picture of Becca tubing with Brenda's cousin Kellie. This also was while we were at Island Park last summer.

Rebecca really liked to swim. She always had fun in the water, and always wanted to do things with the "big" kids. I miss letting her do things with Cassidy and Braden.

Reading with Grandma Shirley

This is Becca reading a story with her Great-Grandmother "Grandma Shirley" and Braden. This was taken last summer at our family reunion in Island Park.

Becca *ALWAYS* had a real interest in reading. She loved to read books, and taught herself to read - even though she was a long way from Kindergarten. Before she died, she and Brenda started reading "Frog and Toad All Year" - which is listed as a 2.4 grade level equivalent. She wouldn't read all the pages...the two of them would trade off pages.

She never got to finish that book. We put it in the coffin with her - and Brenda and Becca are going to finish it later together.

Becca missed the cut-off for school by just a couple of weeks - so she was still a year and a half away from going to Kindergarten. She was SO excited to go.

Rachel also loved reading - and one of the favorite things that I would do with her (and Becca) was to sit on the couch after dinner and have them bring me books to read to them. Neither one of them really had a "favorite" book - they would keep bringing different ones.

I miss having a little girl sit on my lap for me to read them a story. I'm glad for friends and family members that will lend me their daughters occasionally to read to them. (Thanks Jenny!)

I'm a bit sad today to think about what could have been accomplished by such a bright and intelligent little girl. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair that someone so smart would have to leave so early. However, I know that knowledge is one of the few things that we get to take with us into the next life - along with our family - and that we will never stop increasing in knowledge. I'm proud of my girls - I love them so much - and I can't WAIT to be with them again and help to teach them.

Hopefully, I'll be able to teach them at least *half* as much as they have taught me this past month.

Nice Photo

I kind of like this photo. Apparently, it was one of the local paper's photo of the week

It was really interesting to see the different media outlets run different photos. Some of them (like the Tribune) really seemed to be trying hard to find pictures where we looked sad. I like this one in the Deseret News because I think we look pensive, grieving even, without looking overly distraught and upset.

I really miss our girls! We love them so much! I can't wait to be able to see their smiling faces again!

Kings and Queens

This is the last picture we took of all our kids - just a week or so before the girls died.

Cassidy, Braden, and Rebecca all decided that they wanted to play "King and Queen" so they all dressed up. They even dressed up Rachel. She thought she was so cute! We thought so too - and couldn't help but take pictures of them.

The bead necklaces that the girls are all wearing were Rachel's favorite. They were just cheap necklaces that we got from a work party last Christmas. She would put them on and wear them all around the house. "CUUUUUUTE" was all she would say. That was her way of letting us know that she was being silly, I think. Last night, we found one of them hidden away in a closet - so Brenda wore it in her memory.

Here they are sitting on their throne. I miss my family. It is hard to have half of them gone from me for the remainder of this life. I know, however, that we will be able to be reunited again and continue to raise those sweet little girls. I can't wait to hold, snuggle, hug, and kiss their sweet faces again!

I also love Braden and Cassidy, and I am so very grateful that I get to spend the remainder of my life here with them. They were, and still are, excellent older siblings. I know that they were sent to us first for the purpose of them helping us all through this experience.

"Beach Day" - Random Outing 2

Another out-of-the-blue "random" trip we made was to the Great Salt Lake. We went to Antelope Island last June, and took the kids to see the buffalo, tour the farm, visitors center, and walk in the lake.

We took a picnic lunch - and the kids kept throwing their food at the seagulls.

Becca's favorite part was walking in the lake - we had to walk across the sandbar for quite a ways - and she kept calling it "Beach Day".

"Dad - remember when we had Beach Day? That was a lot of fun. We need to do Beach Day again!" she would say.

I loved this picture of Rachel (even though she has a dirty face). She looks so pensive, and calm. She was a wonderful baby and daughter. I love her so much!

I would *LOVE* for the opportunity to do Beach Day with Becca and Rachel again. It never got warm enough - so we never were able to. We'll probably try to go with Cassidy and Braden again this year some time...hopefully the memories we've made there will serve to make us happy when we return, rather than sad.

Golden Spike - Random Outing 1

One saturday a few years back, we woke up and decided out of the blue to go to the Golden Spike monument. It was a lot of fun - especially for just a random "mini-vacation".

I really like this picture of Rebecca and I walking on the railroad tracks by the golden spike.

I'm glad that we did things like this with the girls before they died. It gives us fond memories to look back on. I really miss those days.

Halloween Witch

This last Halloween, Rachel was a witch. This costume actually was my sister Lindsay's costume when she was 1 year old. Cassidy and Becca also got their turns to be witches in this costume as well. So - even though Lindsay didn't have any sisters, the costume was well-used.

The funny thing about this was the hat. Rachel was the only one of our kids who would keep it on. When we first put it on, she said "CUUUUUTE!" and it stayed there the rest of the day.

She really liked to be cute and she really was a cute girl! Although she didn't particularly like to have her hair done, she liked it when it *was* done, and would say "CUUUUUTE!"

I miss hearing her say that. But I will always remember her little voice, and her cute face and smile! I love you Rachel!

Missing Out

One way that is interesting to me is the way that Cassidy and Braden are mourning. They keep feeling sad about things that the girls will miss out on. For example, they keep asking if Becca and Rachel ever got a chance to go to Disneyland, or to the zoo, or to do other things.

Yes - Becca got to go to Disneyland. And technically Rachel did too - Brenda was pregnant at this time.

I really love this picture. Becca looks so in awe at being able to talk with Snow White. I am so glad that she got to meet her. Becca had some dress-up dresses that she loved to do with friends...and although she said that her favorite princess was always Cinderella, she always seemed to pick the Snow White dress-up to use when she got to choose. I think it was probably the yellow dress that she liked.

Today, I was feeling a bit sad because of things that I didn't get to do with the girls. One thing in particular that I remember doing as a kid that I loved doing was having a nap with my dad in his bed on weekends. I have been able to do that with all my kids - except for Rachel...she was not old enough to enjoy something like that.

I think I might go take a nap in her room this weekend. :)

Thumbsucking (or... "How to tell Becca and Rachel Apart")

I like this picture for a lot of reasons. First, Brenda is smoking hot...so much so, you can see the steam :) Second, it shows how much Rebecca and Rachel looked like each other (this is Rebecca in this picture). I also like this picture because it reminds me of how I would always take the baby (whoever was the baby at the time) on vacations...I would be the one to hold, carry, and take care of them.

But the reason I chose this picture today is because it shows Becca sucking her thumb. She was our only thumb-sucker, and she did it all the time. In pictures where they look alike, you can tell it's Becca if she is sucking her thumb. When she turned 4, she started trying really hard to overcome that habit - and little by little, she did. Just a couple of months ago, Brenda and I were talking and we decided that Becca had finally stopped completely. We were SOOOOOO proud of her for overcoming something so difficult for her.

I hope that we can make her proud by overcoming something that is so difficult for us. Becca, I love you!

Christmas Eve, 2009

Every year, we do a "Bethlehem Supper" on Christmas Eve. We spread out a blanket in the family room, and eat "food that the shepherds would have eaten". Generally, we eat beef jerky, gouda cheese, pita bread, and dried fruit - and we drink grape juice (white...not purple...we're in the family room, remember). OK, so it's probably not *exactly* like the shepherds - but it gets us thinking about the night of the birth of Jesus Christ.

We also watch a video of the nativity - and afterwards, we talk about the birth of the Savior.

I just ran across this picture yesterday - I hadn't seen it before (that I remember). I love how it has all my kids, and they are all happy. I love all my kids. That's one thing that I need to try and express during this sorrowful time - that I love the two girls that have passed on...but I love Braden and Cassidy just as much!

We had always planned on reading from Luke chapter 2 once our kids got older (the video was an attempt to get their attention while they were young). However, I think that I want to keep watching the video for Becca and Rachel.

My Little Pumpkin

(Sorry - the picture got corrupted when I uploaded it...)

Each year, we go to the pumpkin patch with our kids, their cousins, and their grandparents to pick out their pumpkins. This happens very closely to Rachel's birthday - we went 3 or 4 days after she was born (Brenda was a real trooper that year).

I really like this picture - she looks so cute sitting in the cart with all the pumpkins. I miss her so much!

We Can All Be Brave Like Becca

Observation Point in Zion's Canyon. We love to go hiking with our family. This particular hike is probably the hardest hike we have ever been on. It is 8 miles round-trip, and has a 2100-foot elevation change. I carried Rachel in a backpack - and Becca hiked by herself.

I have always like hiking with our children, because I had the opportunity to carry the youngest in the backpack. It always made me feel so important, and it gave me a bonding time with the littlest one. I loved carying Rachel probably more than the others, because she would fall asleep on my back (the others wouldn't). She would also babble and talk almost the entire time. I loved feeling like I could take care of my little girl.

Becca was SOOOOO brave! She kept saying that she was tired, and she was on the verge of tears a couple of times, but we just kept telling her how brave she was. After that hike, I was so very proud of her. It was a hard hike for us as adults, I could only imagine how difficult it was for her tiny legs. We told her she could get a prize at the visitor's center for being so brave - I was prepared to get her anything she wanted - but after a lot of deliberation on her part, she chose a post card with a deer on it...because "I saw a lot of deer on this trip."

She was the first one done on this hike, and so proud of herself. She was also the first one done on her journey in this life.

Now it's their turn to help us on this hike we are on. Rachel is there taking care of us. Becca is cheering us on. It's hard, we're tired, and we've been beyond the verge of tears MANY times. However, we know that they are there, telling us that we can make it, we are so brave. Hopefully, we will be able to make them as proud of us as we are of them.

Rachel's Blanket

Rachel got this blanket for her 1st birthday. It immediately became her favorite. Along with this blanket, her "Bo Bo" (baby) she got became an instant hit as well. She was so excited about her gifts that she would sit there and shake as we tried to get them out of the packages.

Probably the funniest part of the day was while she was eating her cake. She is the only one of our children who did not cry when we sat them in front of their cake and let them dig in. She probably ate the equivalent of 2 pieces before we had to pull her away...then she ate another piece in her high chair.

It was a good day. She was such a happy girl! I'm glad that she was mine (though it was just a short while).

School

Becca was always excited for school. She always used to say that she couldn't wait until she was 5 so she could go to Kindergarten. Little did she know that she wouldn't go to Kindergarten until she was almost 6.

This picture was taken on the first day of school for Cassidy and Braden - she wanted her picture taken as well wearing her "school clothes".

Although she never got to go to Kindergarten, she loved her joy school, and her joy school friends. She knew exactly which days were "school days" for her, she would put her stuff by the door (just like the big kids), and sit on the couch waiting for her ride to come and take her.

She loved to learn! I see so much of myself in her. I miss her and love her so much!

Tribute Photo

This is the photo mentioned in the Tribute to Rebecca and Rachel Toone on February 13, 2010, by their grandfather Doug Belliston.

"Becca loved her little sister Rachel so much! Perhaps this began with Rachel's birth. A favorite picture of mine was included with the DVD that some may have seen. It is a sweet picture of then two-year old Rebecca sitting on the small couch in the hospital room with her arms outstretched and eyes focused upward, to receive and hold her baby sister Rachel just moments after her birth. This picture has been in my thoughts since Rachel's death. While we do not know, we draw comfort from the thought that Rebecca again held out her arms to receive her little sister last Tuesday."

Daddy's Little Girls

Daddy's little girls. This was taken the day Rachel was born. I was sick (hence the face mask). They were SOOOO beautiful and wonderful! I love them SO SO SO SO SO much!

1 Month...

Today is 1 month since Rachel passed away. We have been through quite a lot, and due to media attention, we made our blog private for a while, and haven't been posting since we've been back.

For those who may not know, on February 6, 2010, Rebecca passed away at Davis Hospital. Three days later, on February 9, 2010, Rachel also passed away at Primary Children's Medical Center. The next few days were a blur for us - there were many good things that happened, and the longest week of our lives culminated in me needing to do a press conference leading up to the day of the funeral.

Throughout all of these experiences, we have been absolutely amazed at the help and outpouring of love and support from friends, family, and total strangers. We are grateful to everyone for your love and prayers, and we have definitely been feeling it as we have begun this healing process.

I, personally, have found it therapeutic to post some pictures and memories of our two girls on Facebook. However, not all our family and friends have access to those photos, so I thought I would cross-post them on our family blog. Since we are still a bit concerned about media attention, we do not have comments enabled on our blog at this time, but if you would like to leave a comment for us, feel free to do it on the Facebook photo album. I'm sorry to those of you who have already seen these pictures - but I will keep posting new ones each day for the next little while.

Again, thank you all for your support, love, and prayers! We love you all! And we LOVE our girls!

Rebecca's Obituary
Rachel's Obituary