Reading for Becca

Thanks again to Jennifer for coming up with the idea of having a read-a-thon in Becca's memory. It was amazing to see how many people read with their kids (or even read by themselves) today. We were wondering how many people actually read for Becca today, so if you did, please leave a comment below - maybe even say where you are from (if we don't know you). We'd be interested in knowing!

We love you all, and appreciate the support and love that we have been shown, and continue to be shown, by friends, family, and even total strangers.

6 Months

This picture was drawn by a person who just called us up out of the blue and asked if he could do a charcoal drawing of the girls. It's been a long time since I have posted a picture, and I thought that it would be appropriate to post this one - and to talk a bit about how we have been feeling lately.

It's been 6 months now since everything has changed for us. We have had a few tear-free days. In fact, we are on our way to having more tear-free days than tearful days. We still miss our girls so very deeply though!

The time seems to be going by so quickly - it doesn't seem like it's been 6 whole months since Rebecca and Rachel died. However, the days seem to be going by so slowly. Each day just crawls along.

I also feel like I have been measuring out my life based off of February 2010. Everything I think of, everything I remember, everything I do, I frame it relative to whether or not it happened "before the girls died" or "after the girls died." I'm getting so tired of measuring my life this way - but I think that is the way it's going to be.

The hardest time for me was, oddly enough, the 5-month anniversary of when they passed away. It especially hit me hard, because that was the point at which Rachel had been gone for 1/3 the time that she had been with us.

There have been fewer "upset" times. Probably just a few of them per month - usually around anniversaries. Most of the time, we just miss them so very much! There is an overarching feeling of melancholy in our lives.

There have been wonderful times of happiness though - and that helps to temper the sorrow and sadness. It was wonderful to see close friends go through the temple. It has been wonderful to see the love and support that friends, family, and even strangers are still offering to us - even after all this time.

It has been kind of nice to not have to wake up early, change diapers, or get breakfast for the little kids...though most days, we really miss doing those day-to-day tasks as well.

More than anything, what we have learned from this experience is that we need to make sure and do everything that we can to build memories with our family members. We have no regrets. We are grateful for the fact that we did so many things to build memories with our children while they were here with us.

Lastly, I don't know how we ever could have gotten through this without the knowledge that we'd see our sweet daughters again. I wonder how people without a religious background could ever go through something like this. The despair would be too strong. However, I know, absolutely, that we will be able to see and be with our daughters again. I am SO grateful for that knowledge. Daily, I thank God for the blessings that He has given me - especially for that ability...to one day live with my family again forever.

The Sun Wheel

Becca and I at Disneyland (actually, California Adventure) on the Sun Wheel.

I love this picture. I loved to hold my little girls, and have them snuggle in to me like this.

I wasn't able to go on the Sun Wheel this last time that we went to Disneyland. This picture popped into my mind, and I couldn't bring myself to going on it. Maybe next time.

Sisters!

This picture was taken at a primary activity last year. I love the looks on the faces of my two girls.

Cassidy is such a wonderful older sister. She was so excited to share a bedroom with Rebecca when Brenda was pregnant with Rachel. She always took care of her younger sisters - and continues to take care of her brother as well.

Some nights, we would hear singing coming from the girls' room. When Becca couldn't sleep, Cassidy would sing songs to her. Becca learned a lot of songs from Cassidy. One day, Becca just started singing the rainbow song ("Why are there so many songs about rainbows"). We later found out that was one of the songs that Cassie would sing to help Becca sleep.

They were such wonderful and good sisters! I love all my girls (and my boy too... :) ) !

All the Cousins

This was last year, on the 4th of July (Cassie's birthday) - before going to the rodeo. Every year, our entire family goes up to the rodeo in Oakley, UT on the 4th of July. The only year we missed it was the year that Cassidy was born. Here are all of the cousins at lunch at the park above Grandma Toone's house.

Such beautiful children! I miss my girls...but I still love spending time with the rest of the family. It helps me to remember them.

I miss you Becca and Rachel! I love you so much!

Best Friends

From "Best Cousins" to "Best Friends".

These are Becca's two best friends, "A" and "B" (their names *really* start with "A" and "B"...) She would always want to play with one or the other of them. This is them on a joyschool trip to the pumpkin patch.

I hope to be able to watch these two girls grow - and remember my Becca and see what she would have been able to accomplish had she remained with us.

Yesterday, I had a flashback of a time I had with Rebecca. Back in November, she had a sleep-over at her grandma's house - and was dropped off at my office for me to take her home from here. That day, I was asked to find a city map for a guy who was moving from Philadelphia to Utah...so Becca and I drove around to different places trying to find a map for "my friend Sam" - which is what Becca called him.

She talked about "my friend Sam" for weeks afterwards - which makes me happy that we were able to make those memories together. Every time we drove on Highway 89 (where we did a lot of our looking), she would ask if we were going to find a map for Sam.

I am SOOO grateful that I have memories such as these to help me carry on until the time that I am able to see and hold my girls again.

I think Mr. Ricky's Done Enough