Rock out for Rachel

This Wednesday, October 20th, is our daughter Rachel's 2nd birthday. She loved music, and we hope you will join us and "Rock Out for Rachel" in her memory. We invite you to wear her favorite color, pink, and take a few minutes to listen to a rock song or two in her honor.

We'd love to know who celebrated her life with us, so please feel free to leave a comment on her birthday and let us know what you rocked out to!

Thinking of the Girls

I've been thinking a lot about Rebecca and Rachel lately (even though I haven't blogged or posted pictures for a while). This song has always spoken to me. Especially lately, the lyrics really take on a different meaning. This was one of Rebecca's favorite songs. I particularly like this version - and though the girls never got to hear it, I think that they would like it as well (Becca really liked listening to different versions of the same songs). Every time I hear it, I tear up - but at the same time I feel happy for the chance that I had to have those girls as a part of my life - and the chance that I still have to see and live with them again.

21 Guns, by Green Day (American Idiot Soundtrack version)

Do you know what's worth fighting for
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break you heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you've lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks
the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins
You're in ruins
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand to close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try.
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
On, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Reading for Becca

Thanks again to Jennifer for coming up with the idea of having a read-a-thon in Becca's memory. It was amazing to see how many people read with their kids (or even read by themselves) today. We were wondering how many people actually read for Becca today, so if you did, please leave a comment below - maybe even say where you are from (if we don't know you). We'd be interested in knowing!

We love you all, and appreciate the support and love that we have been shown, and continue to be shown, by friends, family, and even total strangers.

6 Months

This picture was drawn by a person who just called us up out of the blue and asked if he could do a charcoal drawing of the girls. It's been a long time since I have posted a picture, and I thought that it would be appropriate to post this one - and to talk a bit about how we have been feeling lately.

It's been 6 months now since everything has changed for us. We have had a few tear-free days. In fact, we are on our way to having more tear-free days than tearful days. We still miss our girls so very deeply though!

The time seems to be going by so quickly - it doesn't seem like it's been 6 whole months since Rebecca and Rachel died. However, the days seem to be going by so slowly. Each day just crawls along.

I also feel like I have been measuring out my life based off of February 2010. Everything I think of, everything I remember, everything I do, I frame it relative to whether or not it happened "before the girls died" or "after the girls died." I'm getting so tired of measuring my life this way - but I think that is the way it's going to be.

The hardest time for me was, oddly enough, the 5-month anniversary of when they passed away. It especially hit me hard, because that was the point at which Rachel had been gone for 1/3 the time that she had been with us.

There have been fewer "upset" times. Probably just a few of them per month - usually around anniversaries. Most of the time, we just miss them so very much! There is an overarching feeling of melancholy in our lives.

There have been wonderful times of happiness though - and that helps to temper the sorrow and sadness. It was wonderful to see close friends go through the temple. It has been wonderful to see the love and support that friends, family, and even strangers are still offering to us - even after all this time.

It has been kind of nice to not have to wake up early, change diapers, or get breakfast for the little kids...though most days, we really miss doing those day-to-day tasks as well.

More than anything, what we have learned from this experience is that we need to make sure and do everything that we can to build memories with our family members. We have no regrets. We are grateful for the fact that we did so many things to build memories with our children while they were here with us.

Lastly, I don't know how we ever could have gotten through this without the knowledge that we'd see our sweet daughters again. I wonder how people without a religious background could ever go through something like this. The despair would be too strong. However, I know, absolutely, that we will be able to see and be with our daughters again. I am SO grateful for that knowledge. Daily, I thank God for the blessings that He has given me - especially for that ability...to one day live with my family again forever.

The Sun Wheel

Becca and I at Disneyland (actually, California Adventure) on the Sun Wheel.

I love this picture. I loved to hold my little girls, and have them snuggle in to me like this.

I wasn't able to go on the Sun Wheel this last time that we went to Disneyland. This picture popped into my mind, and I couldn't bring myself to going on it. Maybe next time.

Sisters!

This picture was taken at a primary activity last year. I love the looks on the faces of my two girls.

Cassidy is such a wonderful older sister. She was so excited to share a bedroom with Rebecca when Brenda was pregnant with Rachel. She always took care of her younger sisters - and continues to take care of her brother as well.

Some nights, we would hear singing coming from the girls' room. When Becca couldn't sleep, Cassidy would sing songs to her. Becca learned a lot of songs from Cassidy. One day, Becca just started singing the rainbow song ("Why are there so many songs about rainbows"). We later found out that was one of the songs that Cassie would sing to help Becca sleep.

They were such wonderful and good sisters! I love all my girls (and my boy too... :) ) !

All the Cousins

This was last year, on the 4th of July (Cassie's birthday) - before going to the rodeo. Every year, our entire family goes up to the rodeo in Oakley, UT on the 4th of July. The only year we missed it was the year that Cassidy was born. Here are all of the cousins at lunch at the park above Grandma Toone's house.

Such beautiful children! I miss my girls...but I still love spending time with the rest of the family. It helps me to remember them.

I miss you Becca and Rachel! I love you so much!