The New Year

My kids woke us up yesterday, excited to share their New Year's Resolutions they had been working on that morning. I'm not much for such things myself, so I'm not sure why they felt like they should make formal lists when we as parents have never encouraged it, but I thought it was cute and they made me laugh. Especially the optional ones.

Cassidy's New Year's Resolutions
Be active
Be nice to Braden
Play with Braden
Get assignments in on time
Listen the first time
Get 100% ready on time
Write in my journal

Braden's New Year's Resolutions
Don't chomp and smack
Sleep in
Be nice
Don't wake Cassie up
Don't be a jerk
Don't fart (optional)
Talk nicely

This rings true to me

PARENTS WHO LOST A DAUGHTER ARE NOW IN A DIFFERENT PLACE

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful 20-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident. I am writing this not only for myself, but for all parents who have lost a child, and to all of the wonderful people who asked, "What can I do for you?" At the time there wasn't much anyone could do to help, but after two years I have an answer: Accept me for who I am now.

When Rachel came into my life, it changed me profoundly. Losing her did the same. Her father and I work hard to honor her memory, but we will never "get over it" to the degree of being who we were before. I am different now. In some ways -- I think -- better. I am kinder, more patient, more appreciative of small things, but I am not as outgoing nor as quick to laugh.

I know people mean well when they encourage me to get on with my life, but this is my life. My priorities have changed. My expectations of what my future will hold have changed. Please extend to me again the offer of "anything I can do" and, please, accept me as I am now. -- DIFFERENT NOW IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.

DEAR DIFFERENT NOW: Please accept my profound sympathy for the tragic loss of your daughter. I hope that your letter will help anyone who doesn't understand that the death of a child is the most devastating loss parents can suffer and that the experience is life-changing. They may get beyond it, but they never get "over" it. To expect that they would is unrealistic, because it's a wound that may become less visible but never goes away.

"Things Happen for a Reason"

You know, sometimes I think people just say that for something to say because they are at a loss for words. I don't know if I believe that. Sometimes bad things just happen, and that is where faith comes in to help us heal. It may be that sometime after death we will find out a "Reason," but I prefer not to waste time trying to search for one.

It's a terrible feeling to know that the Lord has allowed something terrible happen to us for our good, even though it doesn't feel like good at all. But that's why I put my trust in Him, that what I will learn from passing through sorrow will make me a better person like He wants me to be.

Bah humbug to reasons. And thank goodness for angels. MY angels.

Rock out for Rachel

This Wednesday, October 20th, is our daughter Rachel's 2nd birthday. She loved music, and we hope you will join us and "Rock Out for Rachel" in her memory. We invite you to wear her favorite color, pink, and take a few minutes to listen to a rock song or two in her honor.

We'd love to know who celebrated her life with us, so please feel free to leave a comment on her birthday and let us know what you rocked out to!

Thinking of the Girls

I've been thinking a lot about Rebecca and Rachel lately (even though I haven't blogged or posted pictures for a while). This song has always spoken to me. Especially lately, the lyrics really take on a different meaning. This was one of Rebecca's favorite songs. I particularly like this version - and though the girls never got to hear it, I think that they would like it as well (Becca really liked listening to different versions of the same songs). Every time I hear it, I tear up - but at the same time I feel happy for the chance that I had to have those girls as a part of my life - and the chance that I still have to see and live with them again.

21 Guns, by Green Day (American Idiot Soundtrack version)

Do you know what's worth fighting for
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break you heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you've lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks
the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins
You're in ruins
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand to close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try.
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
On, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
You and I

Reading for Becca

Thanks again to Jennifer for coming up with the idea of having a read-a-thon in Becca's memory. It was amazing to see how many people read with their kids (or even read by themselves) today. We were wondering how many people actually read for Becca today, so if you did, please leave a comment below - maybe even say where you are from (if we don't know you). We'd be interested in knowing!

We love you all, and appreciate the support and love that we have been shown, and continue to be shown, by friends, family, and even total strangers.

6 Months

This picture was drawn by a person who just called us up out of the blue and asked if he could do a charcoal drawing of the girls. It's been a long time since I have posted a picture, and I thought that it would be appropriate to post this one - and to talk a bit about how we have been feeling lately.

It's been 6 months now since everything has changed for us. We have had a few tear-free days. In fact, we are on our way to having more tear-free days than tearful days. We still miss our girls so very deeply though!

The time seems to be going by so quickly - it doesn't seem like it's been 6 whole months since Rebecca and Rachel died. However, the days seem to be going by so slowly. Each day just crawls along.

I also feel like I have been measuring out my life based off of February 2010. Everything I think of, everything I remember, everything I do, I frame it relative to whether or not it happened "before the girls died" or "after the girls died." I'm getting so tired of measuring my life this way - but I think that is the way it's going to be.

The hardest time for me was, oddly enough, the 5-month anniversary of when they passed away. It especially hit me hard, because that was the point at which Rachel had been gone for 1/3 the time that she had been with us.

There have been fewer "upset" times. Probably just a few of them per month - usually around anniversaries. Most of the time, we just miss them so very much! There is an overarching feeling of melancholy in our lives.

There have been wonderful times of happiness though - and that helps to temper the sorrow and sadness. It was wonderful to see close friends go through the temple. It has been wonderful to see the love and support that friends, family, and even strangers are still offering to us - even after all this time.

It has been kind of nice to not have to wake up early, change diapers, or get breakfast for the little kids...though most days, we really miss doing those day-to-day tasks as well.

More than anything, what we have learned from this experience is that we need to make sure and do everything that we can to build memories with our family members. We have no regrets. We are grateful for the fact that we did so many things to build memories with our children while they were here with us.

Lastly, I don't know how we ever could have gotten through this without the knowledge that we'd see our sweet daughters again. I wonder how people without a religious background could ever go through something like this. The despair would be too strong. However, I know, absolutely, that we will be able to see and be with our daughters again. I am SO grateful for that knowledge. Daily, I thank God for the blessings that He has given me - especially for that ability...to one day live with my family again forever.

The Sun Wheel

Becca and I at Disneyland (actually, California Adventure) on the Sun Wheel.

I love this picture. I loved to hold my little girls, and have them snuggle in to me like this.

I wasn't able to go on the Sun Wheel this last time that we went to Disneyland. This picture popped into my mind, and I couldn't bring myself to going on it. Maybe next time.

Sisters!

This picture was taken at a primary activity last year. I love the looks on the faces of my two girls.

Cassidy is such a wonderful older sister. She was so excited to share a bedroom with Rebecca when Brenda was pregnant with Rachel. She always took care of her younger sisters - and continues to take care of her brother as well.

Some nights, we would hear singing coming from the girls' room. When Becca couldn't sleep, Cassidy would sing songs to her. Becca learned a lot of songs from Cassidy. One day, Becca just started singing the rainbow song ("Why are there so many songs about rainbows"). We later found out that was one of the songs that Cassie would sing to help Becca sleep.

They were such wonderful and good sisters! I love all my girls (and my boy too... :) ) !

All the Cousins

This was last year, on the 4th of July (Cassie's birthday) - before going to the rodeo. Every year, our entire family goes up to the rodeo in Oakley, UT on the 4th of July. The only year we missed it was the year that Cassidy was born. Here are all of the cousins at lunch at the park above Grandma Toone's house.

Such beautiful children! I miss my girls...but I still love spending time with the rest of the family. It helps me to remember them.

I miss you Becca and Rachel! I love you so much!

Best Friends

From "Best Cousins" to "Best Friends".

These are Becca's two best friends, "A" and "B" (their names *really* start with "A" and "B"...) She would always want to play with one or the other of them. This is them on a joyschool trip to the pumpkin patch.

I hope to be able to watch these two girls grow - and remember my Becca and see what she would have been able to accomplish had she remained with us.

Yesterday, I had a flashback of a time I had with Rebecca. Back in November, she had a sleep-over at her grandma's house - and was dropped off at my office for me to take her home from here. That day, I was asked to find a city map for a guy who was moving from Philadelphia to Utah...so Becca and I drove around to different places trying to find a map for "my friend Sam" - which is what Becca called him.

She talked about "my friend Sam" for weeks afterwards - which makes me happy that we were able to make those memories together. Every time we drove on Highway 89 (where we did a lot of our looking), she would ask if we were going to find a map for Sam.

I am SOOO grateful that I have memories such as these to help me carry on until the time that I am able to see and hold my girls again.

I think Mr. Ricky's Done Enough

Best Cousins

This is a picture that Kara took one day when Becca was over playing with Amanda and Lily. We cropped this picture for our new individual picture of Becca. She is SOOOO beautiful! I can only imagine how beautiful she would have been as she grew up.

The day after Rebecca died, Logan mentioned it to Amanda and Lily. Amanda started to cry and said that "Rebecca was my BEST cousin!" She really was. It was so fun to watch the girls all play together - they were all close to the same ages. It was so nice to have best friends that were also cousins.

I miss the girls so much! It's especially hard today...of all the gifts that I wanted to get Brenda today, the one that I couldn't get here was the one that I know she wants the most - the girls. I know that some day we will be able to have them and raise them again. And I know that Brenda will be an excellent mother to them when we get them back...same as she has been (and continues to be) to all our children.

I love you Brenda! I love you Becca and Rachel!

The Year of the Purses

Last Christmas was the "Year of the Purses". My parents gave each of the little grand-daughters a purse. This was Rachel's.

In addition, Santa brought Rebecca a dress-up purse to play with as well.

Both of the girls loved their purses. Rachel especially carried this one around all over the house.

I love the expression of wonder on her face. She was so sweet and innocent. She was so beautiful and kind. She was so loving and happy. I miss her so much!

Are we dancer?

This is the perspective that I would always have when looking back at Rebecca while riding in the car. Once she got a bit older, she got a new "Fairy Seat" that she could ride in, and Rachel took her place. Seeing this picture reminds me of the trips that we went on and singing with the girls in the car. They both LOVED to listen to music...and I would look back at them as they would sing (and, in Rachel's case dance) along.

Becca's favorite song was "Human" by The Killers. I think she kind of liked it originally because it was a complete mystery to her - and admittedly, it doesn't really make sense. The lyric "Are we human, or are we dancer?" just didn't make sense to her little brain. I think that was part of the the draw for her.

However, when I hear that song now, I think of "dancer" as a metaphor for the spirit, or eternal soul. Hearing the lyrics in that light makes the song take on a whole new meaning:

=======================

I did my best to notice

When the call came down the line

Up to the platform of surrender

I was brought but I was kind

And sometimes I get nervous

When I see an open door


Close your eyes, clear your heart

Cut the cord

Are we human, or are we dancer?

My sign is vital, my hands are cold

And I'm on my knees looking for the answer

Are we human, or are we dancer?

Pay my respects to grace and virtue

Send my condolences to good

Give my regards to soul and romance

They always did the best they could

And so long to devotion, you taught me everything I know

Wave good bye, wish me well

You gotta let me go

Are we human, or are we dancer?

My sign is vital, my hands are cold

And I'm on my knees looking for the answer

Are we human, or are we dancer?

Will your system be alright

When you dream of home tonight

There is no message we're receiving

Let me know is your heart still beating

Are we human, or are we dancer?

My sign is vital, my hands are cold

And I'm on my knees looking for the answer

You've gotta let me know

Are we human, or are we dancer?

My sign is vital, my hands are cold

And I'm on my knees looking for the answer

Are we human, or are we dancer?

Are we human, or are we dancer?

Are we human, or are we dancer?

=======================

I think that Becca now understands the meaning now...she's my little dancer!

My Two Girls

Becca and Rachel were two sweet, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent little girls - and although I am missing them a lot right now, I am SO thankful that they were mine for such a short time here on earth, that they continue to be mine in my heart, and that they will always be mine in the eternities.

Rachel in the Backpack

As I have mentioned before, whenever we would go on a hiking trip, I would take the youngest in the backpack. Because of how far apart our children are spaced, we never had more than just the one in the backpack. It was always fun for me to carry the kids around...it gave me a *little* bit of an idea of how Brenda must have felt being pregnant (yes, ladies - I know, it's NO comparison...don't yell at me... ;) )

Since most of our recent trips were to National Parks, I had a lot of opportunities to carry Rachel around. Of all the children, she was probably the best in the backpack. She would just sit there and jabber to me while we would hike. I especially loved when she would fall asleep, leaning against my back.

She also loved just getting into the backpack, and sitting there. I love her face in this picture.

This summer, we are planning a few more hiking trips. It's going to be a bit hard for me to go "bare back" - but I manage. Perhaps I'll actually be able to keep up with Cassidy and Braden now! :)

Omega Threes

So, a couple of weeks ago we were in the car and Braden announces, "I wish I liked fish."

I asked, "Why do you wish you liked fish?"

His response was, "Because fish have lots of omega-3 fatty acids and those are good for your brain. If I liked fish I could be smarter."

Well, when you're 7 years old and you know that omega-3 fatty acids exist and have benefits - then I think you don't need them to be any smarter!

Maybe he learned it from Nova.

Welcome Home Surprise

When we got home from our trip yesterday, we went to see the park. The boy scouts in our ward, at the suggestion of the Layton City mayor, planted a little memorial area for the girls at the park around the corner from our house. Yellow pansies, rose bushes, and pink flowering trees around a bench...just a few yards from the childrens playground. VERY beautiful, and VERY thoughtful on the part of all those involved. THANK YOU!

The Radio Game

Becca loved music - so did Rachel. Here are Becca, Cassidy, and Braden listening to their aunt Katie playing the guitar.

I miss singing with Becca. She was my kindred spirit. She could identify singers of songs - even if she hadn't heard the song before. I loved playing "The Radio Game" with her - by just shuffling my iPod, and having her guess the song (both title and artist). Generally, she could do it within 4 or 5 seconds of the song beginning. Her favorite songs were by Pink, Aerosmith, and Green Day. Her all-time favorite song was "Human" by the Killers. We would sing along to them together, when we were in the car, or even just in the basement after a day of work.

I also loved dancing with Rachel. Every night, I would lay on the couch after dinner, and before bed, and Rachel would come over and want to dance with me - so we would turn on some music, and dance.

I miss dancing. I miss singing. I miss the Radio Game. I can listen to their favorite songs, but I haven't yet been able to just sit down and listen to music for any extended period of time. Hopefully, I'll be able to get to that point again.